Past As Prologue

Afterword (or, The Bridge)

Because desire always exceeds

its object.  Because the energy you gave me

feels big enough to birth wings.  Because

I want you to push into the wetness 

and I know it.  Because of the salt

and the wind.  Because everything

that is supposed to happen

will happen, is happening, or

has already happened.  Because

ambivalence is more beautiful 

than justice.  Because my heart is 

shooting ahead, and I have no choice

but to follow it.  Because I want you

to be happy, with or without me.  

Because of the birds fleeing the storm.

Because the harbor is permeable

and shining.  Because it felt like

the last night of my life

but it wasn't.  Because a web of cables

is there to catch me if I blow

sideways, and always will be.  Because 

I walked across the bridge and was free.

-Maggie Nelson

I memorized this poem on the car ride to my meditation retreat.  We couldn't have books, and I felt like I wanted to have it there with me.  And of course now whenever I read it I think about being there, and what it felt like.  The flavors of the rooms.  The qualities of light coming in the windows.  The sounds that the world makes when nobody is speaking for days.

I memorized the poem, though, because it reminded me where I am in my life.  I think the first line is really the most important to remember.  And the third to last.  And the third line, I keep trying to figure out what I think it means, and I've formed an opinion.  But make your own.