My family also likes nice things. That being said, we also have an indefatigable Do-It-Yourself ethic, whether it be yardwork, landscaping, clothing alterations, cooking, or decorating.
My housemate Kenny likes nice things. But he likes nice things in a way that offends me because of its patronizing commodification. He has a gorgeous Samoyed puppy, but Casper lives in the kennel in Puriscal most of the time because Kenny doesn't have time to take care of him. Which is undoubtedly the right thing to do. But it seems crass to me to buy a stunning purebred Alaskan dog, take him to live in the tropics, pay someone to bath it, care for it, and house it because he doesn't have time. He says he wants to adopt a baby and hire a Nicaraguan nanny to take care of it. So it would essentially be a trophy baby. At the same time, Kenny truly loves taking care of others. He takes very good care of me, treats me like his baby sister. He buys furniture, a TV, food, etc, for our house. When he comes home from the store, he always has a sweet for me, like an ice cream bar or a chocolate. He tells me, "eat the fruit; I buy it for you. I buy it because it looks nice, to have a bowl of fruit on the table." Pounds and pounds of ornamental fruit that he doesn't eat. He pretty much only eats at restaurants. He paid someone to clean our yard and trim the bushes. Told me, don't worry, I paid for it.
It makes me uncomfortable when he buys things for me, brings the dog home for me, does things to make me happy without investing himself in our friendship. I feel so strangely beholden to him. Not only an I on a shoestring, but I also am small, young, and in a foreign country. When he doesn't want me to hear what he's saying to another Tico (that's what Costa Ricans call themselves), he uses slang and I don't know a word of it. There's this weird power balance that I never expected, me with my white guilt which has nothing to do with any of this...
Until I oppressed him. I said, I noticed your dirty dishes (including our one frying pan) have been in the sink for 2 days. Could we please do our dishes right away so that we don't get bugs? (The inside of our house is, ecologically speaking, inseparable from the outside of our house). And so that we can all use the electric frying pan when we need it?
No Rachel, I don't do my dishes. That's just the way I am. I am going to pay someone to clean our house; she's coming this afternoon. So she can do it, or you can do it. I just don't have time and I don't like it. I'm sorry, I'll do my dishes when I can, but I usually can't.
Dumbfounded.
Listen, I said, unless you're going to hire a live-in servant who does your dishes right after you eat, that's not going to work. What do you mean you can't do your dishes? That's not fair to us, because we also need to use those things, and I'm not going to do your dishes.
Well, maybe I'll just buy you your own frying pan.
For real.
To his credit, he apologized half an hour later, and said he will do his dishes, and he has. And I don't mean to be painting a bad picture of him. He's easy-going, generous, funny, and nice. And his feeding me when I'm not at the hotel makes a big difference. He gets along with everybody, and we have a really good time together. It's just that the two of us are experiencing a form of culture shock neither of us expected. And I need to figure out a way of reciprocating/thanking him for his generosity in a way that doesn't feel extortioned. I try to keep the house nice. But really, I'm just going to let him be himself, and me be myself, and maybe it's not even. Nothing ever is.
1 comment:
Everyone needs boundaries. If you don't establish them right off the bat, things will degenerate and you'll be eaten by resentment. You have to take the chance that you will offend, but in the end, that offense will change to respect.
And you're right: you can't put up a my-way-highway stance, but have to work with the person so neither feels oppressed. After all, you can never put too much salt on cottage cheese. Love you, Dad
Post a Comment