In Which I Admit Personal Things About Myself

1) I don't know how much I have mentioned this, but I am writing a story. It's taking over my life, is actually the thing. Sometimes it's all I do and think about in my spare time. So far I've written over 40 pages by hand, and it's only about a third done. I think it's the only thing that I can do with myself here, because I don't need any people or possessions in order to do it, just me and a pen. It keeps me from being bored, feeling purposeless, and feeling lonely. Furthermore, it's a second world to live in. I have to say that I worry about finishing it because I think it may be redeeming my time here. Which is to say, I don't know if I could be happy or satisfied here if I wasn't writing this story. I don't think I could write it under any other conditions because if there was more to do, I'd be distracted. But here, if there was less to do than write, I don't think I would be happy. Does that make sense?

2) I have come to understand the most essential quality of myself. I have known it for perhaps 5 years now, but it has ossified into something I understand so well. I wrote to a friend in an email last month, "I always want other people to know everything about me, inside me, so that maybe we can feel as close as I sometimes think I need to feel to everything that is alive so I don't perish of the loneliness of being a separate being." Yes. I find the fact of my discreet identity to be absolutely excruciating. I want to be part of everything. This dissolution is, in many spiritual beliefs, not only a quality of death but also of enlightenment, because all separateness from the great oneness of spirit is a delusion that we humans must overcome. So I guess I've got the great spiritual itch, but I'm a really worldly person. And I'm ok with that. I don't want the detachment of a buddha. I want to get my hands dirty. But in the meanwhile, I have conversations that make people say things like this to me: "Rachel, I'm not getting into a discussion with you about you not being a tree." But every time I remember I'm not a tree, it's sad.

3) Other stuff. Not much happening here. Jill is away so I'm busy, and doing things that I was in no way prepared for. Like, yesterday, for example, when I ran a day spa for the afternoon.

Fucking shoot me.

Also, I've been working in the kitchen, teaching lots of yoga, doing little odd jobs. And hanging out with the sweetest Belgian 6-year-old. She and I made lemon squares this afternoon. It took an hour and a half, but we had a great time. I was really proud of myself for giving her so much trust and responsibility, but I really believe that little kids are careful and do a really good job. They're more earnest than adults.